"Plaid Christmas"

arranged and performed by Spizatch

from the EP Plaid Christmas (2006/2007)

Part I: “Carol Of The Bells (A Cappella)”
(traditional Christmas carol)

(instrumental)

Part II: "Jesus' Birthday"
(parody of "Birthday" by The Beatles
lyrics by Bob Rivers)

It's Jesus' Birthday
It's Chanukah too yeah
It's Jesus' Birthday
So have a happy Yuletide
I'm glad it's His birthday
Happy birthday Jesus

Yes we're going to a Christmas party
Yes we're going to a Christmas party
Yes we're going to a Christmas party

I would like some presents
(Holiday...)
See my uncles and aunts
(Holiday...)
Get some socks and some pants
(Holiday...)
PAAAANNNTTTSSS!

It's Jesus' Birthday
It's Chanukah too yeah
It's Jesus' Birthday
We'll break some bread and drink wine
I'm glad that it's Christmas
Happy Christmas to You

Part III: "My First Christmas As A Woman"
(written by The Vandals)

I never wanted army men or basketballs
I only wanted pantyhose and Barbie dolls
And dressing up in mother's clothing
My whole life I've been feeling only feminine
It always seemed so useless trying to be a man
Now that's a ghost of Christmas past

Now it feels like the very first time
Cause it's going to be the very first time
That Christmas feels right to me
And I know that I'm looking good
Just like a real girl should
It's my first Christmas as a woman...

Yeah a doctor reconstructed my genitals
And now I'm waiting underneath the mistletoe
For a guy who could love a girl like me
So now I'm finally happy that I made my goal
To be a post operative transsexual
Now I am a pretty lady

I took the hormones and I got my breasts
This season's gonna be the best to me
I won't have to tuck it behind me
Since I got my brand new vagina
It's my first Christmas as a woman...

Part IV: "It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas"
(written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone
from the South Park episode "Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo")

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph
Cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity...
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas...

Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes my house every year?
And instead of eating ham
I have to eat kosher latke
Instead of Silent Night
I'm singing "Huhash Dogavish"
And what the fuck is up
With lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?...
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry
But I'm Hebrew
On Christmas...

Part V: "Be-Claus I High"
(parody of "Because I Got High" by Afroman
lyrics by Bob Rivers
featuring backing vocals by Mike and Adam Bresnehan)

"It's like… I don't care about Christmas shopping man"
"Hey roll me another Christmas blunt"

Ooooh-oooh-oooh
Fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-laa
Fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-laa
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la

I was gonna trim the tree, until I got high
I was gonna buy you a DVD, but then I got high
My presents ain't wrapped up, and I know why
(Why man?)
Yeah-heah, cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la

I was gonna hang my lights, before I got high
I was supposed to book my grandma's flight, but I got high
She's sleepin' at LAX, and I know why
(Why man?)
Yeah-heah, cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la

I was gonna send you a card, but then I got high
Put a lighted reindeer in my yard, but I got high
My jack-o-lantern's frozen, it's still outside
Yeah-heah, cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la

"Man I sure hope Grandma don't hear dis shit"
"No sweet potato pie for you brotha"
"N-O-E-L... and ho-ho-ho-ho-ho"
"We ain't gonna buy no muthafuckin' Christmas presents this year man"
"Let's go back to Uncle Rick's and drink some eggnog or sumthin'"

Part VI: "Christmas In Hollis"
(written by Run DMC)

It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark
When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Looked at his dog, oh my God, a ill reindeer
But then I was illin because the man had a beard
And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared
So I turned my head a second and the man had gone
But he left his driver's wallet smack dead on the lawn
I picked the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said "Santa Claus"
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G's
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease
But I'd never steal from Santa, cause that ain't right
So I'm going home to mail it back to him that night
But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and the dough was for me

(interlude)

Rhymes so loud and proud you hear it
It's Christmas time and we got the spirit
Jack Frost chillin', the orchas out
And that's what Christmas is all about
The time is now, the place is here
And the whole wide world is filled with cheer
My name's D.M.C. with the mic in my hand
And I'm chillin and coolin just like a snowman
So open your eyes, lend us an ear
We want to say
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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